Texts John Never Sent
by Djacruks
Summary: Following Sherlock's death, John has caught himself texting his detective. Collection of texts he could not bring himself to delete.
1. Chapter 1

Texts John Never Sent - angst, hurt/comfort. Drabble. Text collection.

Author's note: I don't know whether this is a one-shot or I'll continue. Please leave your opinion about it, as encouragement is very welcome.

Following Sherlock's death, John had more than once - actually, quite a lot of times - caught himself writing texts to Sherlock. He never sent them, but he could not make himself delete them, so he put them all in a draft folder.

_May 2. 13:44_

_Finally lunch break at the hospital. Been roaming the halls all day. Big traffic accident down on the highway. You must have heard about it somehow. _

_May 13. 19:49_

_I visited your grave today. _

_June 7. 19:59_

_Milk has gone off. There won't be enough for tea. Are you picki-_

_June 7. 20:01_

_Damn it. I must be losing my mind. _

_June 18. 23:43_

_Needed to distance myself from you, yet I visited your grave again today. I bet you know that already._

_July 30. 15:56_

_In cab on my way to Harry's birthday. Give me strength._

_July 30. 21:45_

_She's getting more and more drunk. It pains me to see her like this. _

_July 30. 22.13_

_Family's had their go with me now. Asked about you. Tried as hard as I could not choking up. Damn you._

_July 30. 22:15 _

_I really want to go home._

_July 30. 22:47_

_I'm still there. I guess I'm drunk._

_July 31. 00:01_

_I miss you, Sherlock. _

_July 31. 00:04_

_I wish you were here. I really do. No matter how much I'll regret thinking this later._

_July 31. 10:12_

… _I didn't mean that._

_July 31. 10:24_

_My head hurts. _

_July 31. 10:27_

_Will there never be anything in? Going to the shops. I'll return later. Do try to clean up. Mrs. H is complaining again._

_July 31. 10:31_

_I really must be going crazy.._

_August 1. 00:01_

_Mycroft sent me in a car to the Diogenes Club today. He wanted to know if I'll continue living in 221b. I said yes._

_August 1. 00:03_

_I think I'm regretting it. But how could I leave?_

_August 1. 00:05_

_I'm pathetic._

_August 13. 04:45_

_Nightmare woke me up. I was back on the battlefield, seconds before I was shot. You jumped in front of the bullet and …_

_August 13. 04:47_

_Don't be dead, Sherlock._

_August 13. 04:50_

_Please. _

_August 17. 19:12_

_Mrs. H. and I went to visit your grave. She complained about the lack of noise. I told her I would learn to play the violin. She smiled and cried._

_August 19. 22:57_

_Just came in. Lestrade called me to Scotland Yard. You would have liked this case._

_August 22. 15:29_

_You would know how to solve this case, Sherlock._

_August 24. 19:13_

_God help me, I wish you could point out the clues I must have missed._

_August 27. 17:34_

_Case solved. It was the diabetic aunt all along. You would have known._

_August 27. 17:43_

_Gone for a pint with Lestrade and the forensics team. _

_August 27. 17:53_

_They toasted for you. Tried not to choke up. I think I failed. Lestrade quickly changed the subject._

_August 27. 18:00_

_Damn it, Sherlock. I miss you. _

_August 27. 18:11_

_I left the pub. In cab on my way back to 221b._

_August 27. 18:13_

_Is there anything in?_

_August 27. 18:15_

_I did it again. I wonder if I really am going crazy._

_August 27. 19:11_

_Took a detour round to your grave. I broke down. I guess you already know that._

_August 27. 20:44_

_Mrs. H is here. Strangely comforting. _

_August 27. 21:11_

_What a day._

_August 27. 21:15_

_I enjoyed solving the case. I won't write it up, that would remind me too much of you._

_August 27. 21:19_

_I hope this isn't the last crime I'll ever help solve._

_August 31. 23:59_

_I'm afraid to forget you one day, Sherlock. I really am. _


	2. Chapter 2

Because I had time, and because of people wanting a second chapter, I decided to write a quick second one. A bit of swearing in this chapter, you are warned. Criticism and opinions alike are still welcome.

_September 6. 21:00_

_Busy day at the Hospital. I didn't have much time to think; just work. People say it's healthy._

_September 6. 21:03_

_I wonder what people would say to this. Me texting you, as if you were.. _

_September 7. 21:05_

_Sherlock…_

_September 7. 21:32_

_I've seen people die, Sherlock. Comrades and enemies and the man who shot me. So why can't I let you go? _

_September 7. 21:44_

_I'll of course never know. You were the best- _

_September 7. 21:45_

_ARE the best_

_September 7. 21:47_

_You're not… You can't be. I mean, you're YOU, damn it._

_September 7. 21:50_

_Why you, Sherlock? Why let me watch it? Why tell me you were fake?_

_September 7. 22:01_

_I can't think of any reasons why… You must have a plan. Damn it Sherlock._

_September 9. 12:56_

_I took the day off and visited your grave. _

_September 9. 13:01_

_Does anyone else ever visit your grave?_

_September 9. 13:06_

_Mycroft must. Mrs. Hudson does. Do you think Greg does?_

_September 9. 13:08_

_Of all people, you would know who visits your grave._

_September 9. 13.30_

_I bet Molly does. _

_September 9. 13:32_

_I haven't seen Molly since the... funeral. _

_September 9. 21:23_

_On my way home in cab. Visited Molly when she was off work. Had dinner with her._

_September 9. 21:27_

_She misses you. Not so much as I do, though._

_September 9. 21:31_

_She seemed to be well. We talked about you, and she told me about the cases you hadn't told me about._

_September 12. 22:34_

_The flat looks like itself, in case you were wondering._

_September 12. 22:37_

_I haven't been able to get rid of your stuff. Sentiment, you see. Mycroft have offered a few times. I gave him some of your personal stuff. Photos, some books, files. I kept your stolen card though… just in case._

_September 16. 03:32_

_Nightmare again. I saw you fall. From the roof of St. Barts. Except… it was me who… who pushed you._

_September 16. 03:34_

_You are a friend, damn it. How can I not.. Why do you still fill up so much of my life?_

_September 16. 03:37_

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. _

_September 16. 03:40_

_I hate you sometimes. _

_September 16. 09:04_

_I never hate you, Sherlock. But why will you let me go through all this? _

_September 17. 18:07_

_I visited your grave again today. You can't help being a dick, even though you're_

_September 17. 18:09_

… _damn you, Sherlock. _


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thank you so much for your reviews/story alerts etc. it makes me want to write and continue the story! Sorry for the delay on this chapter. It was fairly easy to write, but difficult to find time for. I hope you like this chapter - criticism and comments are very welcome.

_September 21. 16:54_

_You'll never guess who's here. Harry, that's who. Off the booze again, she says .I don't know if I believe her. I know you wouldn't._

_September 21. 16:57_

_She seems sincere and focused. She worries about me. She brought me caring presents - basic food, that sort of thing. _

_September 21. 19:03_

_She knows. She took my phone and read all the texts to you. She KNOWS, SHERLOCK_

_September 21. 19:09_

_It seems unhealthy. Sick, even. If I could go back I would. But this… it makes it feel as if you're… like you were never…_

_September 21. 19:13_

_Oh god, what have I done? Why don't you just come back? _

_September 30. 11:01_

_I haven't touched your room since… it's been standing empty, but I'm going in there now._

_September 30. 11:09_

_I think it has to stop, Sherlock. I think I have to move on. I have to, don't I?_

_September 30. 11:12_

_But I can't, can I? it won't ever be the same again. You've woven yourself into every aspect of my life. How can I cut you out like that?_

_September 30. 11:16_

_When did I let my guard down like that? Why you? Why not just some boring bloke with a comfortable, quiet life? _

_September 30. 11:20_

_I owe so much to you, Sherlock. I suppose you made me come alive. _

_September 30. 11:26_

_It sounds horrible and cliché, but you would understand. You were… _

_September 30. 11:31_

_I know you'll never really leave my mind; I text you when I'm awake, basically always, and you're there at night in my nightmares… How will I ever let you go? _

_September 30. 11:45_

_When did I become so attached? Earlier, I could go to work, but now... now mrs. H comes up every day, making sure I eat. _

_September 30. 11:48_

_I'm a doctor, for god's sakes. I should be able to take care of myself. I should know better. But you, you ruined me beyond recognition._

_September 30. 11:51_

_No, no. There's no one to blame other than myself._

_September 30. 11:55_

_Then I will blame myself. Not for letting you - _

_September 30. 12:00_

_For me, getting so stupidly... human. You wouldn't. I mean, would you, had it been me?_

_September 30. 12:04_

_I hope you wouldn't. I don't suppose you would._

_September 30. 12:05_

_Or would you?_

_September 30. 12:07_

_I really need to get out of the flat._

_October 2. 16:00_

_Won't be in for tea. _

_October 2. 16:02_

_Damn. I keep… every time, just hours and I think you're… back. Every time._

_October 2. 16:05_

_But you won't be, will you?_

_October 2. 16:06_

_Back._

_October 4. 19:13_

_I went back to work. They all looked at me when I stepped in. not surprised, really. When a man leaves to grieve his...only friend for about a month, you're bound to, aren't you?_

_October 4. 19:16_

_How would you know? Why would you care? I tried to not care, to be like.. well, you. Cool and distant and functioning. _

_October 4. 19:23_

_Just got a text. Stamford is picking me up soon. I don't want to go anywhere._

_October 4. 20:01_

_I couldn't talk him out of it. He ordered me into the cab, into a pub and then bought me a pint. _

_October 4. 20:56_

_Fuck. I may be drunk, but I am convinced I just saw you._


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Thank you so much for giving my small story so much love! It really does make me enjoy writing this a lot more. Hopefully you'll like this chapter as well as the others - criticism and comments are very welcome. Oh, and I've already got something written down, and I will say, that it stung a tiny bit in my eyes, as I wrote it. But for now, enjoy this:

_October 4. 22:12_

_You were there, Sherlock. I don't care what Mike said. Or Harry, when she arrived._

_October 4. 22:19_

_I should tell you they brought me to the ER, convinced I must be concussed or possibly insane. _

_October 4. 22:21_

_Of course, that is what I heard Harry mumble. _

_October 4. 22:27_

_I AM concussed. I can't remember what happened, but Mike told me, that I had run off the stool I was sitting on, yelled for Sherlock, and then started to chase the man who looked like you out of the pub, down the road, until I fell over and hit my head._

_October 4. 22:30_

_That's when Mike had called an ambulance and Harry. I don't know which is worse._

_October 4. 22:34_

_I was transferred to here, and I've talked to Lestrade. Apparently, the man could turn me in, but there had been nothing. He told me I was lucky nothing happened, as I already have an ASBO._

_October 4. 22:37_

_That bloody ASBO. I would never have gotten it, had it not been for you. _

_October 4. 22:39_

_Was it you Sherlock? Did you show up at that pub tonight?_

_October 4. 22:41_

_My head hurts. _

_October 4. 22:45_

_I'm really, really tired. the rooms spinnnningg noow. Make it stoph_

_October 5. 10:33_

_I don't remember writing that last text, just that I woke up on the floor, Harry kneeling over me, looking very concerned. Which I hate. _

_October 5. 10:36_

_It wasn't so much that I had collapsed on the floor, it was more that she had read what I wrote._

_October 5. 10:37_

_I think she worries, Sherlock. Maybe she thinks I'm ill or crazy._

_October 5. 10:40_

_Maybe I am crazy. That would explain a lot._

_October 5. 10:43_

_I didn't tell you; I'm home again. The hospital let me out early this morning. It took me an hour and a half to walk home. _

_October 5. 10:49_

_I feel better. I think I'll go down and visit you._

_October 5. 10:51_

_Mrs. H's coming along. Be nice to her._

_October 5. 12:01_

_But how could you possibly be HERE and at the pub then? YOU WERE THERE._

_October 5. 12:03_

_I'm still certain, whatever they said. You were sitting across from me, and I don't know why but you didn't even look at me._

_October 5. 12:06_

_God, I must seem so pathetic._

_October 5. 12:09_

_But it's real. I know it is. You. Were. There._

_October 5. 12:11_

_I really must be going crazy. I see your name clear as day on that stone, and yet I know it was YOU last night. _

_October 5. 12:13_

_It's like living in two worlds._

_October 6. 16:09_

_Harry spent the night. She stared at me all evening, made sure I wasn't alone with my phone for even a second._

_October 6. 16:13_

_She tried to make me swear, that I would stop this, this texting. I told her I would try. She asked how long I've been doing this, and the answer was scary._

_October 6. 16:16_

_She talked about denial and wanted to stay, but I told her to leave. _

_October 6. 16:20_

_What have I done?_


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Thank you for your lovely reviews! I decided to write an upload this quickly, as I had some time, and an idea. Anyway, it's really short, but it's just a little something for what's to come. Comments and criticism is very welcome!

_October 9. 11:23_

_I'm trying. Honestly. Trying without you. I've gone three days now, and it's … it's not getting better. I turn my phone in my hand all the time and I think about what I could tell you._

_October 10. 03:56_

_Someone stole my phone, in my dream. They read them all aloud and I was diagnosed mentally disturbed. Denial, grief, the lot._

_October 10. 03:59_

_I… I don't want this anymore, Sherlock. _

_October 10. 15:32_

_Harry just visited. Told me it'd be healthy if I got out more. _

_October 10. 16:19_

_If any person ever knew who visited them, you'd be that person. I'm sure you know where Mrs. H and I are right now._

_October 10. 17:01_

_I asked Mrs. H if she'd like to stay for tea after shopping, knowing there was nothing in. When we came home, there was enough to make dinner for ten people!_

_October 10. 17:06_

_Does Mycroft stock our fridge?_

_October 10. 17:11_

_I just called him. He had no idea whatsoever._

_October 10. 17:14_

_Even Mrs. H knew we had nothing in. She even suggested we picked up shopping on the way home._

_October 10. 17:17_

_Who else has keys to the flat?_

_October 10. 17:20_

_Couldn't possibly be a break-in. What break-in involves stocking the fridge?_

_So what was it?_


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Again, thank you for reviews/alerts and etc. It makes me enormously happy to see them in my inbox! I hope you like the next chapter and until the next (which hopefully will make you feel some/all feels) enjoy this. Criticism and comments are very welcome.

_October 10. 18:01_

_I didn't bring you up at tea - Mrs. H would never believe it. But I'm convinced it was you._

_October 10. 18:03_

_Because I know it was. I just know it. _

_October 11. 11:43_

_I spoke to Greg on the phone. We're meeting for lunch. _

_October 11. 13:02_

_I told him what happened. He said I must have forgotten we had done the shopping._

_October 11. 13:05_

_He said he'd check the CCTV around Baker Street at the time. I just know he won't find anything. You're too clever for CCTV._

_October 11. 13:07_

_But what if he does find something? Will it be you, Sherlock? Disguised? Unashamedly you? Will you look like you?_

_October 11. 13:11_

…_._

_October 11. 13:16_

_I shouldn't even start to think something like that. It can't be you. I'm going crazy, Sherlock. Crazy because of you, damn it._

_October 11. 13:19_

_It was so easy. Before._

_October 14. 18:09_

_Mike called. I told him not to bother, dragging me out._

_October 14. 18:13_

_He's here. And he's brought beer. _

_October 14. 18:16_

_Molly's here too. And so is mrs. H._

_October 14. 18:20_

_Greg has arrived too. He wished me a happy birthday. _

_October 14. 18:22_

_I think my deducing skills are lacking, but I think it's my birthday._

_October 14. 21:01_

_Everyone's being so nice. And they brought beer._

_October 14. 23:44_

_Mrs. H has gone to bed, but Mike, Molly, Greg and even your brother is here. Harry has been here, but it got too late._

_October 14. 23:47_

_You're missing the party, Sherlock._

_October 14. 23:51_

_You'd hate this - like at Christmas. But I wish you were here._

_October 15. 00:01_

_There was a ring at the doorbell a couple of minutes ago, but no one at the door. __There was a small package on the doorstep, though._


	7. Chapter 7

AN: As ever, thank you so much for your reviews and everything. It means a lot more than I thought it would! I'm not sure what to say, other than thank you, and criticism and comments are as always welcome. Oh, and also, enjoy!

_October 15. 00:04_

_What's going on?_

_October 15. 00:06_

_Molly thought it was a girlfriend, but I haven't seen anyone since her with the… cat?_

_October 15. 00:09_

_Greg sobered up and became a DI again. He asked me if I knew what the package was._

_October 15. 00:11_

_I have no idea. Which I told him. I can't tell him it was you._

_October 15. 00:13_

_It was you, wasn't it?_

_October 15. 00:17_

_Who else could it be?_

_October 15. 00:21_

_Even though I don't think Greg wants to believe it, I think he believes it was you, too._

_October 15. 00:23_

_I'm not sure what that says about my social life._

_October 15. 00:25_

_I suppose it has been lacking, but I have enjoyed my birthday. _

_October 15. 00:28_

_Secretly, the best part was the mysterious package, though I enjoyed having people over. I haven't yet had the chance to open it._

_October 15. 00:39_

_How rude would I seem if I asked them to leave, so I could open it alone?_

_October 15. 00:43_

_I think Mycroft's got the hint. He got up, told me goodnight and smirked that way only you and your brother does._

_October 15. 00:45_

_I'm sure you wouldn't see it as rude, if I asked them to leave. _

_October 15. 00:49_

_I'm sure Mycroft is thinking the same. _

_October 15. 00:51_

_It seems everyone's following Mycroft's lead. The born leader, huh?_

_October 15. 00:52_

_Sorry. I forgot you grew up with him._

_October 15. 00:59_

_I've told everyone goodnight now. The flat is quiet again._

_October 15. 01:04_

_WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT_

_October 15. 01:07_

_There was a noise upstairs. I'm just checking it out._

_October 15. 01:23_

_The flat is empty. No one's here. mrs. H's downstairs, I went up to see what the noise was, and there was nothing. Nothing at all. But when I returned to the kitchen, I found a small note reading "open the package" on top of it, and I am sure that it wasn't there before._

_October 15. 01:25_

_What is going on?_

_October 15. 01:27_

_It looks like Mycroft's handwriting. Could he have sneaked in here? __Could you?_

_October 15. 01:31_

_I'm going crazy. And I'm not opening it. __Not now._


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Last chapter guys! I _really_ hope you like this. Comments and criticism are as always welcome. And thanks to the person who pointed out parcel/package - I have made sure to include the right saying this time.

_October 15. 01:36_

_I opened it._

_October 15. 01:39_

_SHERLOCK YOU BLOODY IDIOT I KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE AND FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID BODY PARTS._

_October 15. 01:42_

_Who the fuck does that?_

_October 15. 01:45_

_I've never been happier to see an arm in the post, unsigned - entirely anonymous._

_October 15. 01:47_

_I've put it in the fridge, so it won't go off. _

_October 15. 01:50_

_But how did you make that noise happen? And why are you not just showing yourself?_

_October 15. 01:52_

_And why an arm? _

_October 15. 01:55_

_Who other than you could it be? I'm convinced it's you - I really am. _

_October 15. 01:58_

_Why would anyone else send me an arm in the mail? No, it definitely is you. _

_October 15. 02:01_

_Selfish bastard - leaving me and then returning with a bloody arm. _

_October 15. 02:04_

_I'm staring at the arm. It's a sign of life that you are alive. _

_October 15. 03:40_

_I can't sleep. I know you're out there and alive and… when will you turn up?_

_October 15. 03:47_

_Call me crazy, but I'm standing in the light of the fridge again, staring at the arm. _

_October 15. 03:49_

_I'm on the couch. I don't really want to go upstairs again. _

_October 15. 03:58_

_I'm too wired to relax. I might go and visit you._

_October 15. 04:12_

_I'm in a cab, on my way now. _

_October 15. 04:35_

_Now I'm here, I can't remember why I thought it was a good idea._

_October 15. 04:37_

_I was a soldier. It's just a graveyard. Nothing else._

_October 15. 04:41_

_I'm not sure I'm alone. Who goes to the graveyard at night?_

_October 15. 04:46_

_I can definitely hear footsteps nearby. This is not very nice._

_October 15. 04:48_

_They're getting closer. Just focus. I came here to visit you._

_October 15. 04:50_

_Quite close to you now. The footsteps are closing in on me, as well._

_October 15. 04:54_

_Thank god. It was just a local drunk. I'm alone again. That's good. _

_October 15. 04:56_

_Not one of my proudest moments, getting scared on a graveyard, by a homeless._

_October 15. 05:23_

_It's cold, and late and I actually have to be at work in two hours. I'm going home again._

_October 15. 05:36_

_Hailed a cab. _

_October 15. 05:39_

_Why did I even go and visit you, even though I know you're alive._

_October 15. 05:42_

_I guess it was just nice to have some place to … talk to you. I didn't very loudly - who knows if I was really alone but - I can't not talk. After all, you are a lot of things, but not a mind reader._

_October 15. 05:44_

_Which I suppose was the entire reason I started doing this. Texting you, like there would be a reply. Like you would answer. _

_October 15. 06:01_

_I'm home. Changing, back in a cab and then a seven hour shift at work._

_October 15. 06:05_

_Hopefully it'll take my mind of the bloody wonderful arm in the fridge. _

_October 15. 06:35_

_Right - ready for another day at the job._

_October 15 07:04_

_Had coffee with some of the others. They said I looked really happy. They asked if I had gotten a girlfriend._

_October 15. 07:09_

_I quickly dismissed it, and told them I had found something, I had been looking for. It puzzled them obviously, and I'm certain they said something about me when I left._

_October 15. 07:12_

_I don't care. _

_October 15. 11:09_

_Lunch break. I've been busy all morning, but not so much, that I forgot about that parcel._

_October 15. 14:48_

_Shift's over. Heading back home. _

_October 15. 14:54_

_I'm absolutely exhausted. Can't wait to go to bed._

_October 15. 15:06_

_There's a cab outside the house._

_October 15. 15:09_

_It's driving away now. That's strange. It did not even look like there was anyone in it. _

_October 15. 15:12_

_No one's in. Not even Mrs. Hudson. Maybe it was her who left in the cab?_

_October 15. 15:18_

_Flat's empty too. Straight to bed._

_October 15. 21:12_

_Mrs. Hudson must be home. I just heard the door close._

_UNKOWN NUMBER_

_October 15. 21:13_

_If you won't mind, open the door - my hands are full. __SH_

John's hands trembled. SH? That could only be one person. He sprung to his feet, flung the door open, and there he was - his tall detective, his eyes unsure, his smile apologetic. John looked him up and down. Sherlock was thinner, looked less alive, and he looked worn. Worn and neglected.

John gulped, trying not to choke up. His only friend had returned, months and months later, leaving him desperately clinging on to the hope that he was alive. And there he was - worn, dirty and sad. He looked so different, but he was in fact Sherlock.

Sherlock smiled warily. "Happy belated birthday" he mumbled awkwardly, handed him the parcel in his hands, and John put it down, hands trembling as he did.

The soft thud of the door closing behind them sounded, and the silence in the flat was overwhelming. Neither said anything, and eventually John gave in and cried.

When he stopped, Sherlock asked him to open the parcel, and in it, there was a small slip of paper. "I know you've been texting me. Here's the number so I can answer you in the future"

"How did you know?" John realized how long it had been since he had last said that, and he saw how Sherlock smiled. "I've got my eyes and ears all over town - homeless network, remember? It was getting close the other day, when you almost bumped into one of them, but I have been keeping track of you"

John was astounded. All those strangers looking at him, the homeless man on the graveyard, the man… in the pub. He needed to know.

"Was it you in the pub, that time?" "When you were out with Harry? No, no it was another one of my people. Too dangerous if it had been me"

John smiled. "Yeah, might've been" a laugh crossed both of their lips, and everything was alright. Of course, Sherlock had a lot of explaining - not only to John, but to everyone - and John had to readjust into living with the only consulting detective again, not that it would be very difficult.

**AN**: Thank you so much for reading this. I hope you enjoyed reading it, as much as I enjoyed writing it. It is a complete joy to write for people who have shown so much interest in my imagination.

Thanks to everyone who have pressed the Story Alert, Favourite Story, Favourite Author, Author alert and for leaving reviews and comments and whatnot.

If you haven't pressed the Author alert, and are interested in my other writings, please feel free to go through my uploaded stories.


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